THROW BAIK INTERSTELLAR

 

Let me share a journey back to the past where I became a ghost to myself.

I saw myself painting my interpretation of Sedim river nearby @rumahtokcu . I also saw myself deploying RumahTokCu as a site for me to engage in my own studio & experiential research. The subject was the link between quantum state with traditional Nusantara cosmology, & how such link can lead to mindfulness & healing. I saw myself immersing in the surrounding landscape, made reflexive notes, paintings, drawings, lyrics, poems, songs, video art, wrote papers, essays, gave lectures on my findings online or in seminars, symposiums, conferences. 

I also saw myself thinking then, that all these actions would lead to my Phd, to me getting the 'Dr' to show off & parade with, to validate my always insufficient & insecure sense of false identification. I also saw how my 'efforts' would contribute to the numbers race, obsessively driven by KPIs, ROI's, whatever numerical & measurable forms of evaluation & validation. I saw myself thinking that I was going to be considered 'delivering' and 'doing' my job, even though I strongly disagreed with such system & was not happy. My past self was in a hurried state, stressed, depressed & anxious, always feeling lacking or not enough. 

Then I saw a tumor growing in my right kidney. It was spreading also. 

I could not reach or communicate to my past self directly. I could not warn myself. I could not tell myself to change such state of thinking & feeling. 

I had to tell him that whatever he was thinking, feeling & doing, was not meant for what he thot it was meant for. 

I had to tell my past self that they were meant to prepare him to face a very fierce life test in the future, as a part of his own healing, to be a better version of himself. 

But then I realized, talking to my past self would disrupt the time-space continuum. Plus it would mean that I was not happy with the script given by Allah, that I tried to be a hero to save past self. 

So, I just smiled and sent a subtle theta brainwave doa signal to my past self who was immersed in the act of painting - you are doing ok, have been ok & will be ok. So does everything else.