LONG THROWBAIK PUNYA - SETIAP SEKARANG

I WROTE THIS SONG after my adiguru-father passed away, followed few years later by my nephew. I felt exremely sad then. I tried to ease the pain by composing & writing songs. I could not do it with visual art. Maybe because I was too comfortable using visual art to hide my feelings, or to showcase my sometimes pretentious intellectual probings. Somehow, visual art was not compatible with what I felt then.

THEN MY BELOVED PET-CAT for 12 years Duma, died, probably poisoned. I was heartbroken and  angry. Yet, externally, I worked so hard in campaigning for a loving & compassionate world, especially our increasingly hipsterized cities. But the whole world still appear to b cruel for me. Not only cruel but many more adjectives that I have chosen not to highlight here.

WITH BROKEN HEART & ANGER lingering, I  encountered more 'testing' experiences that whacked my false sense of self. On top of sadness, I also felt betrayed, angry, annoyed, sometimes regret, hate & contempt. I tried very hard to diffuse these feelings. I was always tempted to feel these ways many times.  I realized that I had become a magnet for lower vibrations, coming from my own ego-based and insecured lower mind.

EVERYTHING AROUND ME was painfully noisy then, especially humans' emotions, clashing egos & opposing thoughts, including mine. I felt like I could hear those noises. I felt like these noises were the reasons why animals ran away from humans (or attacked us) and why Nature runs amok to balance our noises (sick mental-emotional states and destructive actions). Sometimes I felt as if some animals  and trees were crying. Ya I know, crazy.

I DESPRRATELY SEEKED silence. I needed a break, even from myself. My mind & my heart were so unsettled. I felt like I had created some kind of hell within myself. Few physical pains began to emerge, including one related to my nerve system. I was warded few days because of it. Some other physical pains still linger. The worst thing was that, I also caused pain to others, especially those very close to me. I could not accept that.

I TOLD MYSELF that I had to shift my consciousness from those coming from lower mind vibrations. I needed to be a magnet of higher mind vibrations. I needed to save & protect myself and those close to me. I had to make a decision to drop many things that I depended before in forming my false sense of self, insecurities and many more.

SO I TRIED TO ISOLATE myself as much as I possibly could, whilst focusing on the callings of my heart. I tried very hard to tune down my noisy overthinking mind and easily-agitated feeling. I needed to move towards silence and peace. In Malay, 'ke arah diam & aman = kediaman." To do that, I needed to shift my consciousness, mostly by focusing on gratitude, love & compassion.

AFTER A WHILE, Allah graced me with one of the callings of my heart - a small piece of land near a river, blessed with a beautiful natural surrounding. I was so thankful even until now.

I FOUND COMFORT in Nature. In Nature, I always find myself re-uniting with my parents, especially when they were younger and eager to impart their values to their 9 children including me.

I composed & wrote this song, "Setiap Sekarang". I let my youngest daughter Ainina to sing it. She was able to voice out what I felt.

THE SONG is about time and space. Consciousness creates time, and time creates space. In a quantum sense, time & space have a different meaning especially the notion of 'nowness'. Dont worry if u dont get it. If u r deeply curious, God will unveil what u need to know, gradually.

The song echoes the voices of my parents to their children. It speaks about the state of consciousness (yg sedar), mental-emotional vibrations/frequencies/energies or quantum states of possibilities (irama muzik, bergetar tiada kaku & beku), softening a hardened heart (melembutkan kasar mu), facing the tests of life with a smile (senyumlah pada tiap ujian), gratitude (bersyukur atas semua kurniaan), planting values (ku tanam dlm tiap tinggalan) and guidance (utk mu menjadikan pedoman). It is also a call for us to uphold the values that they have planted (ku mohon kau tatang, warisan ku sekarang) in our heart, now (dihati mu sekarang).

After singing it many many times in my H3ROtour or H3ROziarah series, I was blessed by Allah with Rumahtokcu. I believe a song can b a form of doa or prayer. One chooses an intention, picks a state of mind & emotion to vibrate through a song, echoes it, to entangle in a quantum sense with likewise frequency in the infinite quantum field of possibilities. If we chose to entangle with gratitude, love & compassion, circumstances will emerge to bring us to a reality filled with gratitude, love & compassion.

THE HOUSE is now a place for me to distance and isolate myself, at least once every 2 weeks. I refer to it as moving towards silence & peace (ke arah diam dan aman = kediaman). Whenever Im in the house, I experience silence, peace, love, compassion and most of all, so much gratitude.

So u see, isolation & distancing are not all bad.

Some of u may have heard the song. Now with this 'throwbaik', I hope u may enjoy it even more.

This song is also for all my heroes out there, the frontrunners. My heart goes to them.

Stay safe.

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